So Motherly

It is such joy to be called a mother and quite a novel experience. Carrying a human being for 9 months and being responsible for its health, growth and security until it is brought into the world. Being a mother is such a great honor if you get to walk out of the hospital holding your bundle of joy and watching it blossom into a mature adult. The work of a mother is never really done even after the children fly away from home, she is quite irreplaceable. Mothers are the only full time professionals (chef, nurse,lawyer, entertainer, doctor, teacher, pastor/priest, soldier, driver or hairdresser) who do not paid for their job or get minimum recognition. They also have superpowers noted when they experience so much pain during delivery, having the ability to understand baby language and the sixth sense to know that their offspring is troubled. Let us note that they make huge sacrifices by using their bodies as incubators which undergoes major changes as if they deliberately transferred their cuteness into the new being.The results of motherhood can be seen when their child gets to grow up well, with good behavior and accomplishes their own goals. It breaks a mother’s heart for their child to suffer, get involved in dangerous activities or not live to meet her expectations. Some mothers have very high demands of their children and expect them to excel in everything they get their hands on. Some are strict with disciplining their children to conform to a particular behavior. But some mothers choose not to spank their children claiming that they still feel the pangs of labour too harsh to subject their children to any form of pain leaving the child to grow unpruned. Then there are those mothers who do not hesitate to rub it in your face how they suffered in the maternity room and with that you can never tell them anything about raising a child- and they do not appreciate those ladies who have never carried a fetus to challenge them. If children are a gift from God, then motherhood is also a favor by God. Some people have paid to have children while some tried and even successfully stole a baby so as to raise as their own. There are so many reasons why some women cannot get pregnant which may deny them the joy of mother.  Just because someone else has never carried a pregnancy full time does not mean that they are incapable of raising a child. Be king to the childless they can contribute to your motherhood too even though they have not been successful in the delivery room. We appreciate those who did not go for abortions and kept that baby, congratulations for saving a life. A child today is the adult of tomorrow who will be a decision maker and influence others in future. Raising a child is not a one-person duty, ask for help not just form your spouse but from others who have walked similar paths or are in a better position to assist.

How to care personally

Questions have been asked how to tell someone that they need to take better care of their hygiene. I have always assumed how people perceived me because of my appearances and presentation. It brings back memories when someone gave me the bitter pill; you smell, go wash up, shave your armpits and put on some perfume. I did not understand it, because I had had a shower that morning and it was mid-morning already, I did not think I was due for another shower until night. Okay I have a few hairs on the armpits that I prefer them in their natural state-since I heard that once you shave the virgin hairs the secondary or tertiary growth grows ‘haphazardly’. Clearly, I was not affected by my natural fumes, and I took offence that someone had trespassed into my privacy and insinuate that I am not doing a good job taking care of myself. Then I noticed that it was not only one person who felt that way because the door had been opened for others to approach me on the same issue. I had to make a choice, getting shunned or accept to be corrected. I not only shaved my armpits but I got advice on which soaps and deodorant to use. From my experience, people can put up with a bad thing for some time before they gain the courage to take a stand and change the situation. Some relationships have had to be cut off since a partner cannot raise their standards in body management from smelly breath or smelly feet, unkempt hair, sweat, untidiness or dirty laundry. I remember I had a partner who had bad mouth odor while I maintained my private bushes. Neither of us communicated to the other their concerns, we did not last long. When in my early years into puberty, our school started making hygiene checks, mostly on ladies by looking if they had clean underwear, uniform, shiny shoes or lacked lice on their hair. It was embarrassing when we came out of the searching room and the boys would tease us. We had to learn the hard way some things that our moms could not discuss with us or which we lacked proper guidance from home.It may be easier to make a comment on one’s neatness or joke about cleanliness but it is not easy to change someone’s attitude and habits on how not to commit crimes against hygiene.  Breaking to a close member that they need to check on their hygiene standards is not surely an easy task and could make or break personal ties. I will try research on the matter, “Assessing how to lovingly tell someone …” You can fill in the details. I still do not know how to say it, not to a fully grown adult, not without sounding rude or being harsh. I can tell a child to hit the showers or change into clean clothes and command them to brush their teeth, but how do I tell this youth?

Rested Resident

I saw a story where someone bought their own coffin and another dug their own grave- both full of health, not dying soon, they seemed. But they did this so that in the event they died, their family would not undergo a financial crisis. Have you ever wondered how it will be when you die? “It is God who takes”, a friend once told me they do not like that quote of scripture, even when they leave, and they would not appreciate it as a slogan for their ceremony. Yet we shall all have to depart. Some of us find it a taboo to speak about the afterlife or make preparations of the leaving ceremony while still alive. Let me interest you in a tour of the rested residences. For just a brief moment, think about it, not how it is going to happen but how it will be when it happens. For example, who might cry or miss you the most? Which funeral home ill handle your corpse? Who will come near your lifeless figure to pay their last respect or give you the last dress up? So many questions- yet we may not have clear answers even if we prepared to the last dot. Many people get their wishes granted when they stop breathing. Some people want to use your demise to make money while others use the opportunity to misuse your money. Funerals are perceived as celebrations to remember the soul that has left but also to celebrate life for those alive. It never occurs to us that we might be next although we have experienced near death misses at times but the fullness of life helps us forget the thought by interacting with our dear ones or going on with our daily routines.

There is a meme going round saying, “When I die, I will haunt some people. I have a list’. It sounds funny, being the haunter but when roles are reversed you do not want to be haunted. Some unsettled spirits have been said to roam around giving restless days or nights to those who wronged them or those they cannot release. In many funeral sermons we are reminded to evaluate our lives even as we mourn for those who are gone, to make things right with the people around us and our maker before the undertaker comes calling, which we seldom do.  Death does not only select the sick but it has happened to the most healthy, the rich and poor, both the young and old, hungry or satisfied also men or women. Even some doctors have failed to predict a precise time of its occurring, but it still comes to the suspecting or less expecting.

There are some insurance products in the market offering the prospect amounts of claim money that would be paid to their next of kin once they are gone. Some of the packages spell out the kin of ceremony that can be accorded to the deceased or the family members affected. If you are going to live your life to the fullest, give the fullest to those around you. We may not know the date, time or moment but that season will come whether you prepare or not. If you can talk to those close to you let them know where you wish for your final resting place to be or how to handle your body. Some would prefer cremation others do not mind being paraded for viewing, some want private ceremonies while others will attract gatherings. Public or private events will not make a difference, the end is inevitable.

Watch your Words!

You become what you feed, you speak what you read, and whatever you take in makes whatever you give out! What and who do you listen to, what feeds your mind and soul? The way to one’s heart is through the eyes just as the way to one’s mind is the ears.  When you hear no evil, no evil will be heard from you. If you always hear words of discouragement you will become depressed, but words that uplift you will give you confidence to face any huddle. This is why parents soften their tone with their children and teach them correct words to use during conversations. Words have the power to bless or curse, can inspire growth or cause death. Another statement is parents have the power to bless or curse, Go figure!Ladies have always been told from a young age what is expected of them in the house, cook, clean, how to associate and how attend to family needs. Some have always been compared to the neighbors’ children and have certain standards set for them. Girls have always been subjected to following orders and conduct themselves with discipline compared to their brothers who could get away with anything, after all they are boys, and they are allowed to mess. Most ladies are not best friends with their mothers since the mothers have always had the sharpest and loudest voices ringing in the girls heads. The mothers being too strict with the girls so that they do not end up like them, make their mistakes or walk their paths reliving their history. This has made mothers to talk without care for the girls who feel unloved and less appreciated. The bond between a mother and a son is another discussion, however, the relationship between a mother and a daughter is a scope which if properly investigated can end a lot of woes for all women. I am speaking of girls who had bad relationships with their mothers and intern got married and were subjected to bad environments with their mother-in-laws, had daughters and gave them the same dose who go along the same system leading to women who cannot trust and rely to their fellow sex mates. And we are here screaming that men make better bosses than our female counter-parts.Women have to come out and address this issue boldly so as to heal and move on to raise another generation of young girls who are not bitter about other females and do not see their sisters as competitors. Women empowering women should host talks with a grandmother who will be forgiven by the daughter who is a mother to a girl who is so insecure because she still hears her mother’s voice from early morning till bedtime directing her every move into perfection just like how her mother told her. I wish women can genuinely show love to their daughters and raise up sisters who can confide in each other and share freely their fears without being judged or made to feel inferior. Let us stop seeing the female bosses as a threat, the mother-in-law as a monster or the younger lady as a husband snatcher. Let us stop making victims out of women by creating vulnerable situations that contradict their standards. Dear mothers, do not give your daughters a hard time growing up at the expense of your sons; Raise your sons o accord respect to the females which they see you raising them in. 

UNWARRANTED COURSE

They force your legs open, threaten you not to move nor make a sound, at times they hold a weapon to you or sometimes you may not feel anything or you would be conscious to feel everything that is happening or go in and out of consciousness until it’s over! They are not gentle during this course; the violation, the guilt, the shame- the ordeal! Sometimes it takes minutes, for others days or years. For some it’s perpetrated by an individual, others get a gang. Some are instigated by relatives, friends or strangers. Then comes the chronologists who give their unsolicited opinions and poor investigative reports on the reason it happened: Oh it must be how they dressed, the people they hang around with, they walked during odd hours, they had a poor upbringing or were not raised right and the one that drives the nail in – they asked for it, Ha!Sober or intoxicated, no one likes to be forced into doing something that they don’t want, don’t know or are not prepared for. Why do people force themselves on a conversation, a dress or relationships; relating to this topic - Why do people force their bodies on other people’s body or force items into other people’s crouches. I know what you are thinking at this point, “The topic should have been FORCE”, I won’t force you, though. A little advise before we go on, Do Not Force Issues!They say a problem shared is a problem half solved: How do you tell this story to someone else hoping they understand what you are going through? Will they offer a shoulder to cry on or will they judge? You may still ask, what made you deserve it? It is usually not easy to relive that moment. The comments on the situation make it harder, more so when the victim feels like they are to blame. They do not want your pity either this course cannot be undone. Rest assured, the pain will go away, the scars may never fade, the memory still remains but days go by and one has to live hoping for better experiences, not to erase the nightmares but to birth a new agenda. If you have experienced forced intercourse or any kind of sexual assault, do not despair, you can get through it. Do not beat yourself up, do not be in a hurry either because it takes time. And time is important to heal, to trust and to love again. Learn to love yourself, most importantly forgive yourself; cliché but all true. Trust the process, those scars will seem as beauty marks, eventually. Do not force healing. Do not force forgetting. Do not force forgiveness. These will all be gifts that will be presented to you during the course of life. So don’t give up, don’t be afraid of taking the journey or facing the demons. Those bruises will make sense one day since they sculpture you to touch another person and guide them to rise through the ashes into beauty. The course doesn’t have to be aligned, but it makes the process worthwhile.

Entangling the coils

The hairy situation gets out of hand when the volume is too much to handle. Have you gone to the hair salon and the attendant feels your hair and says they can’t deal with it? Well, I have, believe me I cried all the way to the next salon which was about 300 meters away. But I arrived at the second hair hospital, explained to the attendant that my hair is quite course and tangled, asked if she can manage it and she told me to sit in the chair where she tried her best to entangle the situation in an hours’ time. Granted I do not know how to maintain the crown on my head, because it gets easily entangled and the growth becomes so bushy that many combs have broken attending to the natural head insulation. Let us shift focus on my grooming skills and let me discuss how uncouth some hair dressers are. I heard of a story, not hair related but let me share it; A sick person went to the hospital and found someone dressed in a white lab coat and assumed them to be a doctor so the patient went ahead to disclose to the ‘doctor’ of her ailments, who went ahead to prescribe drugs. You know how the story ends, the medication did not work. Can you relate? You walk into an institution expecting to get your issues sorted but they give you a misdiagnosis or others start passing you around from one desk to another where you explain your misfortune over and over again and at the end of the day you get little or no assistance. When someone opens an institution to offers services but encounter a professional challenge, how do you respond to it? If it’s beyond your expertise.

Back to my hair story, the first hairdresser went about asking me to comb it-myself, help her do the job am paying for, asking to add more money claiming to use other chemicals, claiming how it is taking up too much of other clients’ time and telling the colleagues how impossible it is to deal with it. This crashed my spirit, almost cursing the woman whom I inherited from and questioning why I was gifted this bunch of non-synthetic strands. It hurts while combing, plaiting and braiding, but it hurts the most when someone who does not know how it feels makes a mockery of the situation, giving unwarranted advice or scolding you like a child. Believe me it’s a blessing to have a full hairline leaving the forehead with little room to fit in the eyebrows. It is a greater blessing to find an individual who understand what it takes to keep this hair straight. We have a narrative that hair salons promote gossip by discussing a client who just left or celebrity affairs, but most people will get a bad hair-do, not confront the stylist and leave the premises disappointed. It is hard to reverse the remarks and treatment gotten from the hair specialist who see their clients as lazy beings who would rather pay them than break a sweat to run our fingers through the coils.

Speaking on behalf of all the hard-haired ladies everywhere, to the salon workers, ‘We need tender care while dealing with our heads, I hope we are not asking for much, please stop judging and discriminating our kind, treat us like other customers even though we take much of your time and energy’.

DAR AL HARB

Kenya is a model of kindness offering hospitality to her neighbors, so crossing in and out of the boarders is easy. Children from the other side walk in during the mornings to come schooling in Kenya. They freely leave when they go back home to lunch or evening after school.  One neighboring country is unstable with war, though there is still some form of livelihood. They have variety sources of income despite everything that goes on. The conflict in the neighboring state has affected the relatives and families on the other side too. The community has been divided such that clans never see eye to eye in politics to other social avenues. If you stand outside the customs office looking at the no-man’s land into Somalia you will notice a black flag dancing. The Al-qaeda terrorist affiliate group Al-shabaab has set up base at the fence on guard. They do not scare the residents, in fact they do not fight neither ask of those going out or coming in. In fact they make sure that things run smoothly. Their worst enemy is the African Union AISOM which is made up of soldiers from A.U Communities teaming with Somali fighters; who mostly come fro Ethiopia through Kenya.       

The fact that a group or individual wants to control an area and its resources, clashes have turned into war while these ‘soldiers’ or ‘heroes’ have become terrorists. These terrorists have a goal to spread fear and disintegrate the society. Let’s face it they are human beings like you who have let anger, greed and selfishness consume them. They were not born with dark hearts neither do evil spirits manifest in them, No; they have chosen to shake the earth. The same air, food, toilet or transport system you use so do they.  Kenya has border patrol officers working round to man the gates, don’t confuse the boarder to the U.S.A. one that is seen in the movies. There is no 11 feet electric fence, no surveillance cameras, no frisking gadgets and no dogs.  All you have to do is show your identification if you are not a regular, or give out some ‘fee’ if you look suspicious.

Just like many African communities, beliefs and culture influence norms to the society. There are elders appointed to make sure that virtues are practiced and discipline is enforced. Many people from that side wish to leave the strict quietness behind and trade it for better luxuries or illusions for the city life.  Some intelligent individuals have become brokers to make dreams of these upcountry wannabes come true. There are Government offices responsible to give national identification cards or birth certificates. Some of those who were not born in Kenya can get these identification cards or birth certificates by paying for them. To acquire a valid travelling passport everybody travels to Nairobi, done by bus. You all know the neighboring E.A.C countries think of Kenya as a free state which is close to the American dream; Mandera is a great link. Everyone wants the best education, nice living quarters, good security and medical attention. We also know that Government officials are the cause of corruption. It starts with aiding illegal immigrants get services which some are supposed to be free, but at a higher price. Most of them will pay a substantial fee for the officers to look the other way for waiver of their professional codes, be it in medicine, education, security or law. In return other items become expensive since a chain has been formed.

Tickets are acquired from the buses’ booking offices, where you give out your identification card and your name is recorded in the ticketing book. Before leaving Mandera the vehicles are inspected by police officers: First, everyone alights down with their identification documents. Second, the police with dogs go inside and do their thing. Third, the travellers will go back in the bus showing their identification where their photo is compared to their images. If all is well, the bus is left to go. But if you have been through this you will agree that those found with irregularities, they bribe the officers to let them go. It is a long journey to Nairobi and after about eight hours, the bus stops in Wajir. After a short rest, the next stop is Garissa, where before the bus leaves, the bus and travellers are inspected; sadly the routine is the same. And the bus gets to make stops in different police barriers which do not take a lot of time in inspection but they accept the generous donations from the driver or conductors. The story tells how expensive it is to get to Nairobi. People hustle and save a lot for the journey. Money is paid to the brokers and security officers. It is quite true that funds are poured into terrorists activities. These police officers and administrators help themselves into getting richer quickly when they accept bribes but the larger multitude pays dearly from the outcome. If a great electric fence was built or many dogs made to work it will not solve anything: it is all up to the relevant counter terrorism officers and administrators to work diligently. Those authorities secretly keeping more than two bank accounts or accounts from different banks with accumulations of hundreds of thousands even millions should be fired. Salary accounts showing a credit balance of negative overdrafts or loans just to cover their tracks because huge amounts of dirty money are concealed elsewhere. Every individual regardless of their position in the society should make an effort to stop those savages from terrorizing Kenyans. The members of the country need a total attitude adjustment. Greed, selfishness and corruption are holding the world hostage worse than the terrorists. Anti-terrorism has efforts have been heightened, or it could be for a short while then it goes back to ‘normal business as usual’. It should be confirmed that those illegal nationals being chased from Nairobi and Mombasa are really sent out of Kenya for them never to return. What about the other areas in Kenya where they have set camp, like in Rongai? Dar Al-Harb, this may be Kenya, a hub for catastrophes.